sâmbătă, 31 iulie 2010

Now, little girl days have passed/ And I've grown up so fast/ But in your heart that little girl will never be far

My mom and I don’t always get along. Not because she’d be a bad mom or because I would be a bad daughter…but maybe because we are two very different beings. My mom is very hard to please and she gives me the feeling that she’s never satisfied or contempt with what I do – the clothes I wear are not feminine enough, the things I do are not good enough, the things I like are not classy enough, my decisions are never right, the boys I have crushes on are never good enough for me etc.

Maybe it’s just that she finds it hard to adapt to the fact that I’ve grown up and I can be responsible for myself, and I can make my own decisions. However, the fact that she treats me like a 2-year-old kid frustrates me beyond belief. And it also huts me. It also hurts me to see that she doesn’t trust my judgment or, better yet, she doesn’t trust me.

She lives with the conviction that I hide things from her, that I don’t tell her everything, that I don’t share my thoughts and feelings with her. And maybe that’s not totally untrue but it’s not only my fault. The truth is – our relationship has never been great. The one who actually raised me up was my grandma and maybe that’s why I’m not so close to my mom. My grandma is a better friend to me than my mom.

We fight pretty often and usually over stupid little things. Our egos collide with a tremendous shock and, at the end of our fights, we rarely end up reaching consensus. I think our relationship is mostly based on compromise. The paradox is that when we don’t fight, we get along really well…We like the same books, we are amazing shopping partners, we have fun in the kitchen, etc.

The problem is that our fights always make me feel guilty. My mom is not a happy woman, I know that, and making her even sadder and more miserable makes me feel awful. If there’s something I hate that is letting people down and my mom gives me the feeling that she’s disappointed with me – though, I believe she doesn’t really have any reason to be.

Reading this I realize that now you might think poorly of me. It puts me in a bad light, I’m sorry. I don’t usually open up like this but today I really felt the need to vent out.

Un comentariu:

Anna spunea...

D's there is no judgement, you are who you are, and be like that. You know must be something about the European mothers, it took years to crack mine, lol, and she is still is sometimes not satisfied, but you know she will never tell that in my face, because I ignore it, and it does not bother me anymore (okay sometimes a bit, so I just wait out), I just don't care, I do what's best for me. I told her, I just don't want to fight anymore. I still love her, because she is my mother, but I don't have to do what she wants me to do. It really works if you don't react to the small details, because I guess like my mother or your mother, they like to be in control, and if we react they know we are vulnerable. Be strong girl. Anna :)