She sat there and smoked the cigarette sighing….She spent the night thinking and listening to music….the chords of music helped her put her thoughts in order, like you carefully place books on library shelves. Sometimes I feel too much, she thought, but at the end of the day it is all about sensations – we remember fragrances, sights, emotions, the way things feel when we touch them. That’s all we take with us when we leave this world.
She lit another cigarette Men are weird…or maybe I am weird…I am either an icon or a piece of meat to them and I can’t understand why.
Sounds were lightly coming out of her cassette player but she couldn’t hear them. The room bathed into neon light and the black&white keys of her piano gave her a somewhat psychedelic state I think I am in love. And there’s only one way I know how to do this – with my entire being. Does he know that?! Can he understand? When he subtly asks me to wait for him, does he mean it? Does he know I would really wait? Maybe I am the only one who’s in love. Or maybe he is confused. But does he know that what I actually give him is my time…hours of my days…little parts of my life. Isn’t this the greatest gift?......And I…what am I to him aside from a sweet distraction? NOTHING…probably nothing.
Sweet words…if only he knew how many meanings words have to me…he asks me to speak my language to him…my language is a complicated symphony…if only he knew.
All of the sudden she began to pay attention to the music again “And I give up forever to touch you”…her favorite song, one that made her heart tremble and wet her eyes with tears….Give up…he doesn’t give up on anything for my sake…He says he loves me but he goes on with his life like I wouldn’t even be here. LIAR!!! And I’m just a fool…the biggest fool ever…everybody takes me for a fool..and they all think they can tread on my feelings. Don’t they know that I feel too?!
In my little world I thought I could get lucky for once.
I made a dream, an impossible dream,
like all my other dreams.
I forgot to measure the distance between our worlds…
Like a star that shines upon my world,
so far away in the cold distance,
She was trying to write a few verses when she heard these words "What if all these fantasies/ Come flailing around/ Now I've said too much/ I thought that I heard you laughing/ I thought that I heard you sing/ I think I thought I saw you try/ But that was just a dream/ That was just a dream."
In a weird way the music was accompanying her state of spirit God, if you are up there why are you doing this to me? What wrong have I done?!
She stood up and left her half-smoked cigarette in the flowery blue china ash tray – No, I won’t cry again. I won’t take half measures and no man will kneel me in this life time. I will live my life fully, I will have fun and I will make the best of it. I have enough problems to deal with so no, I won’t waste any more time with you and your “ball-less”nature.
If you are not able to fight for me then you can go away and leave me alone.
If you are not able to choose, then go away!
If you are not able to stand up for your choices, then go away!
If you are not able to love me, then go away!
I might be a kid, I might have a lot of growing up to do but I’m not your fool. I might be too childish and dreamy – no more of that!!!! Dreams are for fools!
"Forgive that they teared down my soul
Bless them that they might grow old"
Music always helped her put her thoughts in order – the order of the books carefully placed on library shelves.
She turned off the music and the lights, she drew the curtains and in the cold darkness she went to bed hoping for a better tomorrow.
Sometimes I feel too much…
She left her heart and the half-smoked cigarette in the flowery blue china ash tray.